It was 2006 and I had my first date with the man of my dreams. The knock on the door came and there he was with flowers in hand. It was my first time receiving flowers and as quickly as I opened the door, I closed it. Terrified at what to do about the flowers and simultaneously mortified that I had just closed the door on him, I opened it back up to an apologetic date who feared he had done something terribly wrong by bringing me flowers. Thankfully, my roommate interceded by helping to cut them and put them in a vase, while I tried to explain the whole time that I loved them, I just didn’t know how to RECEIVE them.

Receiving has always been hard for me. Throughout my life, I struggled to not be the girl who always had a negative response to a well-paid compliment. Had it not been for Connie Pitre, my childhood best friend’s mom, I still may not know how to receive a warm hug from anyone. For my bridal and baby showers, I fretted over the reality that I would have to open presents in front of people. What should have been the most wonderful experience of showered love brought great anxiety. Receiving my awards as Teacher of the Year in 2013 and 2017 was a bittersweet experience in my life. I felt deeply and wonderfully honored, but the attention was truly difficult to endure. And, now, in this season of my life, there have been so many people who have gone above and beyond to give of their time, talent, finances, energy, favors, meals, groceries, and more.

After the accident, so many people gave to us. From a boss who came to stand at my bedside with a prayer blanket just a few days after the accident to a box full of tulips out of Texas from Chip and Joanna Gaines, people sent their love to us. From the vast amount of donations to the many meals we received each week, people continued to give from their own need. From picking my kids up at school to helping them select school uniforms to keeping them overnight, people loved us selflessly. Each day encouraged a new wave of openness in me, a constant working toward receptivity. It was so humbling, and truly so beautiful.

Finding myself in great need was the means to discovering what God wanted me to learn about myself. As the beautiful first chapter of James explains, every good and perfect gift comes from above. It became necessary that I learn to open my heart to the capacity to receive. Because our entire Sacramental life revolves around receiving Him, I believe it is necessary to know how. And, since we are preparing a way for Him this Advent, then I have to be able to receive Him when He comes. I have always felt that the gift to receive came along with my sense of worthiness. To receive, I would have to accept that I am worthy of the gift. And, to receive the gift is to receive the motivation for the gift – Love. Furthermore, the ultimate gift in life was given to me on the cross. It grew glaringly obvious that until I allowed myself to feel worthy of that price that He paid for me, I would never truly allow myself to be loved by a Jesus who desperately wanted to love me. To give to me.

As I have grown spiritually and in light of recent events, I’ve gotten much better at allowing it all in. As I discover my own worth, my capacity to receive has expanded. And, thankfully, the man of my dreams who stood on that doorstep that day stuck around. Despite my resistance, God has been using him for the last 11 years to expand in me the willingness to accept.