"Instant Heat!"
I went on my first-ever camping trip in an RV two weeks ago with my family. The boys had anticipated this trip with Josh and I for months and I couldn’t wait to see them in their element. Ironically, it was the coldest weekend we had this month and, since the accident, I’ve really struggled with the cold.
Having just returned home from the Abide Women’s Conference and completed many months of work for that endeavor, I felt really quiet that weekend and sitting around a campfire with a glass of wine was exactly what I needed. (I may or may not have also vowed to myself that I wouldn’t complain the entire weekend and that I’d choose to love it for their sake so, at times, quiet seemed best.)
Because he knows I now struggle with the cold, Josh worked very hard all weekend to keep the fire going. The boys scoured the property to retrieve sticks and logs that they could put on the fire while I sat and watched the fire burn. I have always loved to watch fire, but mostly I was too cold to step away. Throughout the weekend, Josh would allow them to toss a handful of pine needles on the fire on top of the good wood and he would announce, “Instant heat!” And, as usual, he was right - the fire would blaze hard and fast and give me the warm reassurance I needed to stay outside.
At that time, I was one month into this new “healthy lifestyle” and watching that fire got me thinking about how instantaneous I have wished recovery to be. In the beginning, recovery was focused on the immediate needs - sitting up, walking, using the bathroom, entering back into the home, starting counseling, etc. Frustrated many times, I begged God to abide by my timing in that season. Truthfully, since I opened my eyes on LA 210 trapped inside my vehicle 19 months ago, I’ve wanted to throw pine needles atop the fire and watch them blaze immediately and I have been angry when they burned too fast or dissipated with little results. However, it was watching that campfire two weeks ago that reminded me that the good stuff is actually at the bottom, the stuff that burns slowly and that yields more lasting results. It was that fire that reminded me that all of my hard work has been to acquire the virtues, the graces, and the accomplishments that are laying underneath the pine. I have learned the endurance of being patient in a way that I have never known prior to this season in my life.
I thought about all of the seasons where I was frustrated that recovery wasn’t going the way I wanted it to go. I have been constantly reminded that “slow and steady wins the race” so I have really tried to be present in the slow journey. Sometimes it seems ridiculous to me that I am “just now” getting to certain phases of recovery or that recovery is still even something I’m doing, like with my newfound lifestyle change in my eating habits.
But with the help of my people, I have done a great job of working to measure progress in any way I can so as to not lose sight of how far I’ve come. Yes, some things still aren’t the same. And, some things may never be! But I’m now two months into this new layer of recovery and while I wanted to eat giant cheeseburgers and fries on many days, I know this layer is not accomplished with instantly satisfying calories.
I’ve often had to stop myself and consider the reasons behind what I’m doing - for an overall healthier lifestyle where I feel better emotionally and physically and one in which brings me greater joy than a temporary meal. My children and my husband deserve for me to persevere to total wellness, not just settle for mediocre improvements. Advocating for myself to myself and even doctors and family members hasn’t been easy, but no one ever said it would be. The alternative is to give up… and, if you know me, I’m not one for giving up!
As a result of these last two months, underneath the pine needle desires, I’ve already seen some beautiful results. I’m now officially off of all pharmaceutical drugs - from sleep aids to anti seizure meds and everything in between. I am sleeping at night unassisted & that’s an enormous victory. My clothes are beginning to fit a little better and my hormones have definitely begun to adjust to an even healthier routine than before the accident. It will take some time to learn another “new normal” in this lifestyle, but it’s definitely worth the rewards.
I think we are all guilty of wanting God to throw some “Instant heat!” our way. We toss out easy solutions and quick prayers and hope that we see or feel His response right away. It can feel incredibly desolate when we don’t hear or see Him in the ways we expected and in the timing we wanted. But, that camping trip was just another one of my monumental reminders that God is near and I am doing my best.
