Sanding it Down
Demolition is messy. Aggressive. Chaotic. There’s very little intention of preserving the original design. If you have ever done any demolition, you know the fun lies in just ripping it all out and it usually gets worse before it gets better. Because my life has been full of sudden life changes, unexpected loss, and traumatic experiences, demolition has become a habitual perception for me. I have become excellent at learning things in a “baptism by fire” kind of way and, while demolition is often a necessary part of construction, I forgot that it’s not the only process in which something is built or crafted.
At first, I perceived this new job opportunity to be a lot like a wrecking ball – damaging my plans, crushing part of my identity that I had built into my career, and challenging my story. It was a hard gift to receive at first even though I joyfully knew it was what the Lord wanted. I initially perceived it as a tearing down or a ripping away. Pretty immediately, the Holy Spirit started to work in my perception of this season when the words “receive” and “gentle” began making frequent appearances in my life. They showed up first in a new mentorship, then in my prayer time, and eventually in Scripture. It became clear to me that the Lord wanted me to receive Him in this space, in the gentleness. And, if you know me, you know that I receive horribly and that the word “gentle” just isn’t an adjective anyone would use to describe me.
The first thing I received was the time, the opportunity to dive in. Since prayer gives the Lord a chance to align my perception with His, I agreed to a 16-week Spiritual Direction that has so far (and not ironically) mirrored my exact spiritual needs and deficits in He and I’s relationship. I committed myself to a nutrition coach, learning to pay gentle attention to my physical health and the needs that accompany that. I have begun evaluating the relationships in my very own home, pouring into where the gaps are and identifying what needs more gentle attention.
What I originally perceived as demolition has really become a beautiful process of restoration, an unhurried sanding down. Careful. Tender. Like the sanding down of a piece of furniture, the Lord is working to restore and preserve original beauty. This process makes sure to leave no gouges or marks, works with the sturdiness of the wood and its inherent qualities, and discovers the beauty found under all the years of use.
Honestly, it is the first time in over a decade that I am focused only on receiving. Since July, I have been asking the Lord to “do all the work” and to “take care of everything” and that is exactly what He is doing. He has orchestrated every little detail to make it possible for me to have this gentle season. I am being stripped down to original beauty, being made aware of original intention, and relearning my identity in Christ. The focus is much less on what I am doing and simply who I am. I am investing in my own perception of myself and of God, asking Him to teach me to love myself the way He does. In fact, I currently have post-it notes all over with that very prayer.
At times, it has felt uncomfortable because it’s not aggressive, or chaotic, or unrealistically busy. Living at that pace is a hard habit to break. I realize that seasons are temporary and that I have no idea what’s next, but I know that because of this season the future will be navigated with great care and very careful yeses under the gentle direction of the Holy Spirit.
