A Clean Heart
I grew up going to King’s Camp in north Louisiana several summers in a row as a middle school kid. I often credit that camp with planting the most formative seeds of worship in my life. True, deep, heartfelt worship of a Jesus I knew personally. Their worship team remains one of the more vivid memories of my weeks at camp, teaching me songs I still pray today. One in particular, from Psalm 51, has remained in my life for decades. I have sung it while rocking my babies, prayed it before making a Confession, and repeated it during many conflicting moments of my life.
“Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a right spirit within me.
Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from the presence, O Lord,
Take not thy Holy Spirit from me,
Restore unto me the joy of thy Salvation
And renew a right spirit within me”
If you know me, you know that I am often cleaning, organizing, or purging something. If it’s not the fridge, the closets, the floors, or the school files, I am wiping walls, organizing cabinets, or finding another space in our home that needs attention. When my physical space is messy, I cannot function. My anxiety grows, confusion ensues, and everything feels out of control when, in reality, a few things just need to be picked up or sorted. To be honest, it’s both a blessing and a curse. I’ve always wanted to be the mom who leaves the mess for the sake of the memories. It is not that way in our home.
Looking back, I see that this tendency has been around my entire life. When I was young and in school, my mom always knew when I had a major test the next day because I would deep clean and rearrange my room before studying. It was as if I couldn’t enter into the mental task until the physical space was clear. If you have ever had me as an art teacher, you know that Studio Cleaning Days were an essential part of our creative process and I took those very seriously. Still, on the days I work at home, I have to blitz clean areas of our house before I can really get productive for the day. It is very hard for me to be still or to “just” be when I am at home or in my space.
I started to notice that I am always my best self when I am away – at King’s Camp as a child, but also on retreat, on mission, and on vacation. When I am removed from what is distracting to me and taken away from what feels mentally heavy, clarity sets in. Being away gives my mind and heart the permission to be present in the present moment. It feels lighter there, too. There is more joy, more adventure, more desire, more life, more of Him. As a result, I’ve started paying attention to my interior stirring when I am swirling around in cleaning mode as well as what sets in when I am away.
In the profound book I am currently reading, Interior Freedom by Jacques Philippe, it articulates that true interior freedom is achieved by not being attached to any particular created thing. I’d argue that means even my own created order. I have discovered that I am on a journey to find interior freedom despite what my exterior circumstances or freedoms are. I am challenged to consider those individuals who pursued interior freedom despite spending years in a concentration camp, or 91 days in a small bathroom with seven other people, or in a bed battling a terminal illness with no cure. I am humbled by these stories of faithfulness despite what surrounded them. In most scenarios, their interior freedom is all they have.
My desire for cleanliness should be that of the interior. Living like Martha in my daily life comes naturally to me. Cleaning tangible spaces is so much easier than inviting the Lord into an untidier space, my heart. It feels so much harder to allow Him to clean and tidy inside me while I do the heavy lifting of listening and being still. In my life, the real act of worship is letting Him be the one to create order inside of me. When reflecting on Psalm 51, I am made aware that the joy of Salvation, the real presence of the Spirit, will be found in that space.
