Make Straight My Path
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” – Proverbs 3:5-6
I have grown up in the Church. Surrounding me were plenty of opportunities to be exposed to both Scripture and Tradition. There have been many biblical stories, Scripture tidbits, and Sacramental experiences that have found their way into my life and made an impact on me in various seasons. Looking back, I remember my summer camp bunk rooms named after the Gifts of the Holy Spirit. I always did love sleeping in Temperance. I remember my teachers having me memorize the prayers of our Church in grade school. It was then that I fell in love with the Memorare. I can recall someone recommending the Psalms when I was away from home for the first time experiencing a significant amount of homesickness. It felt like I had written them myself, consumed by anxiety and sadness. When I was preparing to marry Josh, I dove into Paul’s letters to the Corinthians. They provided quite the challenge for loving like God loves. I tried to read and experience the book of Job in 2013. That was the year it felt like everyone was dying in our family. Then, there were the experiences of my first Reconciliation, Eucharist, and Confirmation in St. Jules Church with my family surrounding me and my whole life ahead of me. And, of course, our wedding ceremony filled with the Holy Spirit at Our Lady of Lourdes. I can vividly remember each one, profound in its own way. As I have exposed myself to the Word of God and participated in those moments of sacramental grace, there have been many times where I have thought, “Wait, THAT’s what they meant!” That! I “get it” now. I remember thinking, “this is the moment!” Then, somehow and in some way, I forget it again. I find myself back to a more primitive understanding of life, back into seasons of desolation, and back into wishing I could KNOW more and FEEL more.
In my counseling sessions this month, my focus has revolved primarily around my desire for linear living. Problem is, life isn’t linear and, for a control freak like me, that is incredibly difficult to wrap my mind around. Healing isn’t linear. Grief isn’t linear. Learning isn’t linear. Love isn’t linear. You name it, I can’t control it.
Life includes so many cyclical dealings – revisiting flashbacks of traumatic incidents that I cannot predict, grieving losses that I have already grieved, feeling physical aches and setbacks that I wish to be past, returning to marital issues that we once resolved, letting go of things I once did not try and control, and much, much more. Thankfully, life also encompasses cyclical joys – winning small victories over Satan, gaining strengths and insights through hard work, learning the truths of consolation, experiencing friendships that provide incredible support, realizing just how far I have come, and, again, much, much more. The reality is, there will be more than one time that I experience the same struggle; there will be more than one time where I feel lost and confused; there will be more than one time that I will have to learn the same lesson. No matter how intelligent I am, capable I feel, and prayerful I try to be, that is life.
When my mom died, a dear friend and trained professional prepared us that 3.5-year-old Peyton may only want to handle the experience in small, emotional chunks. When we sat him down to tell him that she had passed, he ran off to play with his train set. I was baffled with why he “didn’t care.” She assured me that he did and continued to encourage us to be patient. As the weeks and months and even years passed, the experience unfolded in small, tiny chunks just as she predicted. I have since learned that a 3.5 year old is no different than a 32 year old. Human understanding cannot always make sense of it all. And, one cannot possibly address every crisis at one time. It is simply too much. It cannot be forced; it comes as it should. In this current post-accident season of my life, this has never been more true. I often wish that the door could be closed and not reopened ever again. Physically, emotionally, socially, and legally, it seems someone or something always finds the key.
When they said, “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle,” I believe they didn’t mean the circumstances. They simply meant that God would allow me to understand it as I could handle it. I deal with the circumstances in waves, riding the ebbs and flows. Sometimes I feel like an escape artist trying to evade the situation or the emotion or the newest non-linear issue. But, there is just only so much dealing one can manage at a time. So, I wait, and I evaluate, and I pray, and I continue on.
I re-heard Jenn Johnson’s “God I Look To You” this week. It washed over me in that moment, providing so much current understanding. It is true what the Proverb says, we simply cannot lean on our own understanding. For now, I get it. It's not linear. It is only in Him that we will find our way. And that same road, though traveled once, may be journeyed again. In trying to meet the expectations within human relationships, in addressing the endless circumstances of life that I cannot control, in exploring the disappointments of what the world has to offer, and in feeling a deep yearning for more, I beg God to give me vision, to give me understanding, to give me what I can handle in this moment. I look to Him to make straight my path.
